1. The World Cup final between Germany and Argentina….
The Cruelest cake in history!!
–The Football Jester (@Footballjester) 15 Jul 201
2 . Googling “How the ever-lovin’ HELL do you play Pokemon?” soon to be followed by “How do I talk my kid into playing ANYTHING but Pokemon?”
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 26, 2014
3. Cheryl Cole’s wide-legged marriage announcement:
Has Cheryl Cole taken up the cello?
-Peatree Bojanangles (@peatreebojangle) 14 Jul 2014
4. Didn’t get Glastonbury tickets? Just watch guardian readers drink warm white wine whilst pretending to like radio 1
–TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) 24 Jun 2014
5. Driving the A303 to Glastonbury? As you pass Stonehenge on the left do you sense a message? The message is: you’re going the wrong way.
-paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) 25 Jun 2014
6. Is there rehab for people who continue to sing the songs from the Frozen soundtrack long after their children have gone to bed?
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) April 22, 2014
7. Emmeline Pankhurst was born 156 years ago today. Probably known by the Daily Mail as the ‘curvy, feisty vote-wanting temptress’.
8. Recreating Glastonbury at home. Blocked my toilet with falafel, said I was a fan of the sofa before you lot & the kitchen has a bad vibe.
-Dave Turner (@mrdaveturner)
9. This tweet follows Germany’s victory over Argentina in rio de janeiro
Well done boys … Outstanding after so many near misses … Schweinsteiger in a different league
-Didi Hamann (@DietmarHamann) 14 Jul 2014
10. Michael Gove is out. Brilliant. That’ll teach him.
–Bennett Arron (@BennetArron)
11. Every time they offer me a treat receipt at Starbucks I yell “WHY BECAUSE I’M FAT” and start crying until they give me two treat receipts
-Josh Hara (@yoyoha) Jul 23, 2014
12. I like how Twitter asks “What’s happening?” when you start a tweet, because the answer is usually, “Just being a dick.”
– Todd Levin (@toddlevin)
13. The average person eats 8 spiders in their sleep every year, but that’s including the 22 billion consumed by Unlucky Jeff.
– Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMCNulty)
14. The Expendables 3: Everyone In That Big Group Shot On The Poster Was Photographed Individually
-Ari Scott (@ariscott)
15. Carried my 3 year old for 2 kilometres and she talked about everything in the world except the fact that her shoe fell off at the 1st metre.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 22, 2014
16. Spring Break is code for “breaking the springs inside parents that keep them upright.”
— charliecapen (@charliecapen) April 24, 2014
17. Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. #awesome
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) April 24, 2014
18. Me: “Who taught the baby how to karate chop??”
7 year old: “Not me.”
5 year old: “Maybe it was the internet.”
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) April 16, 2014
19. the boulder that Indiana Jones runs from in Raiders of the Lost Ark is exactly what I’m looking for in a personal trainer.
– Josh Hara (@yoyoha)
20. Dog boss:I need the reports on my desk by the end of the day Me:u got it boss Tweet reader:hmm I was hoping the dog would do something wacky.
– slick (@fanofhell)